A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
