You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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