I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
