No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
