You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
