I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
