i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
