a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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