My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
