Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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