SEEEEXXX PLEASE
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
