Whod you bang
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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