Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
