Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
