I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
