got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
