My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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