I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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