Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
