In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Farmville is her only friend.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
