Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
