Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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