Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
