Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
wow bdsm is so cute
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
