OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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