life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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