My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
