I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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