Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
