OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
