1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Congratulations! We have a period
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