Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize