i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
