Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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