3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
