Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize