found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
