What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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