Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
