yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
