I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Acid is not a monday night drug
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
