I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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