My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
