i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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