i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
