I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I'm really busy with my period
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