I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
