i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
