So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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