Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize