I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
