you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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