Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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