I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
