It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
