He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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