im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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