If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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