Apparently you make a good broom.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
