Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
