I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
