So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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