Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think pants incapable of making pants work
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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