All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize