I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
