Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
